I'm not exactly the world's best "yogi". My downward dog looks more like a macaroni noodle and my favourite pose is
savasana (which is basically napping). But I've been practicing yoga for a few years now and I've come across each of these people at one time or another:
1.
The Personal Space Thief - Choosing where to put your mat can be a challenging decision. But it's exponentially more challenging for this guy. He's not new, oh no. You've seen him here like 4 times. It doesn't matter how full the studio is, he is going to plop down uncomfortably close to you. You then get to spend the subsequent 60-90 minutes constantly dodging inadvertant contact. Because, as an added bonus, he doesn't seem to care if his flailing limbs end up in your face.
2.
The Yoga Prima Donna - This girl is good. Like crazy good. And she fucking
knows it. She makes it look effortless and sexy. She makes sure to stretch just a teensy bit further than everyone else in the class because she doesn't want you to forget how good she is. If there is a modification a level harder than the one you're doing, she will find it and do the shit out of it. She'll make it up if she has to. You, however, look sweaty and awful no matter what you're doing. You're about as sexy as a stale cheetoh. While you like to make sure there are relatively few people in full view of your posterior, she likes to put her mat as close to the front as possible. So now you get to stare at her stupid, Lululemon-clad ass for the whole class. Which obviously looks amazing because
of course it does.
3.
The Phone Ninja - Every studio likes to gently remind people that bringing your phone along is a no-no, but the Phone Ninja is special. This rule doesn't apply to her. Her social life is more important than yours. She's waiting for a very important phone call/text that's a matter of life or death, you guys. She honestly believes that putting her phone on vibrate renders it silent to everyone but her and that nobody can see her texting throughout the class. And if a phone call does come in, she apologizes profusely and proceeds to answer it (usually with "I can't talk right now, I'm in the middle of yoga class") while making her way out of the room.
4.
The Gas Giant - I really hope this isn't news for you, but people fart in yoga. Yoga somehow
makes you fart. It
will happen to you. The best you can hope for is it doesn't happen at precisely the same time your teacher is adjusting your crow pose. But this guy is different. He's not an occasional, accidental farter. He's a serial farter. He farts every class. He does nothing to hide it. He's finally found a place where he can fart in public with impunity and
you can't do a damn thing about it. And you are not allowed to laugh. At all. Ever. But it's literally the only thing you can think about for the rest of the class.
Bonus Points: Sometimes Gas Giants are also Personal Space Thieves and it is the worst thing in the world.
5.
Chatty Cathies - These people usually exist in pairs, but sometimes appear as that one girl who won't stop talking to you while you're trying to get into the zone before class starts. Chatty Cathies are physically incapable of silence and have been known to go entire classes continuously whispering and giggling presumably about how fucking hilarious yoga is. No amount of glaring from across the studio will quiet them down and they will, in fact, start talking about how much of a bitch you are for even trying. You
monster.
6.
The Latecomer - As the name suggests, this person is always late and sees absolutely no problem with that. Even if the door is closed and the class is already in session, she will prance right in as if nothing's happening. If the class is somewhat crowded, she will even ask people to move over to make room for her because she's just ballsy like that.
Now, you'll likely never see all these people in the same class (unless you get really unlucky). Most people who practice yoga are very respectful and awesome. But keep an eye out for these winners next time you're in a yoga studio.
